Now, I already know beforehand that my belief on this topic is incredibly unpopular with the new-age community, but I find it important to still have this conversation.
I believe the twin-flame theory is the perfect disillusionment pill for anyone battling co-dependency issues.
This doesn’t take away from the fact that people can have transformational relationships, but the angle that this is often presented from within the new-age community, I find incredibly problematic.
Let me explain why…
The twin-flame theory will have you on an endless search for the 'other half' of your soul that you feel you need to unite with to complete your earthly mission.
I am realising that not many want to, or know how to be able to deal with the 'anxieties' of being alone.
Not many people want to, or know how to deal with their internal brokenness, but will seek a 'twin flame' to mask the reality of their psychological and karmic wounds.
I specifically allowed myself to be single for 6 years before I entered my current relationship to battle MY OWN co-dependency complex
Don't get me wrong it was a very hardnand gruelling process, but I knew it was a process that I could not cheat myself on.
I had to fight my own desire to have someone by my side knowing that if I didn't, I would never know what it was like to stand in this world on my own two feet.
We have to remember that we came into this world alone, and so there is no 'twin' in this 3rd dimension unless it is your actual physical twin.
Now something else I had to learn alongside my journey was the fact that in the process of interrupting the flow of a pattern, it takes an extreme to knock it out of its natural rhythm.
The extreme can send us in various directions depending on our response to inner child traumas.
You can either struggle with extreme co-dependency or extreme independence – both states are not in any sort of equilibrium as they are both states fuelled by an inner child trauma connection to isolation. However, there can be different ways that isolation can be perceived.
Fear of isolation vs Assumption of isolation
I find there is the assumption of isolation and the fear of isolation, both coming from a different place but expressed in different ways.
Someone with the fear of isolation (also known as autophobia which is a programmed automatic fear response) attaches the fears of their past onto other people, whereas someone with the assumption of isolation will attach the fears onto themselves as they mix independence with isolation.
So in essence someone can be afraid that they are always going to be alone pushing them to the extreme of attaching their fears as well as their happiness onto somebody else. They put expectations on other people to fill their own voids. On the other hand, someone who has always been alone will else will assume they are going to be alone and then push themselves to the extremes of isolating themselves.
Even though they do deep down crave intimacy, the fact that they have experienced multiple neglective experiences, they save the hassle of heartbreak from someone else and end up breaking their own hearts by submerging themselves in their own cold projection of the world.
Now let me say this; to be independent doesn’t necessarily mean to be alone and not acknowledge the urges from your soul to connect deeply and intimately with another being. Sometimes the extremities of this position can mix fear signals with intimate signals to alert themselves to place themselves in a strong protective container that nobody can get through to their heart as they made that promise to themselves the last time they were hurt.
It’s important to note the extremes and polarities when it comes to this particular topic as there is often a lot of spiritual bypassing that takes place in regard to just acknowledging the fact that we all yearn for love in different ways and there shouldn’t be any type of shame attached to that.
Shameful Innocent Desires
I myself have had to heal from the shame that I had attached to my traumas subconsciously telling myself that I didn’t deserve love until I learnt how to love myself.
This was simply because I had internally found ways to justify the actions of everyone else. This is another dangerous thing especially if you are someone who understands psychology, behaviours and personalities, because it is easy to brush off something to say..’well that is just how they are’
Although its imperative I know how to do that for myself and not expect someone to fulfil that position for me, I also think its important that the space is given to acknowledge, ‘I have a soft heart with a desire to love and be loved’. However, I also have learnt how to enjoy my own space and love that I am now able to give to myself.
Its important to note this as the lines can become very blurred when talking about this subject and I want to ensure that I am covering all grounds.
What are Twin Flames?
“Your twin flame is a fragment of you. They enter your life to help you discover more of your authentic self by releasing what no longer serves your life, love, and livelihood. Their purpose is to help you turn your life ‘messes’ into a ‘message’ so you can help others walk a similar path.”
~ Dr. Harmony, author of Twin Flame Codebreaker. ~
As much as this definition in essence can be true, again there plays out the element of spiritual bypassing in avoiding some of the toxicity that can often be brought into this particular types of relationships.
This type of relationship gets put in the general category of soul mates, which in theory we can have multiple soul mates and MAJORITY of them are not meant to be lovers, but more so physical pin pointed reminders from your past.
These are people that you travel with over many lifetimes that become catalysts in our experiences. They force us into alignment of our purpose with both negative and positive influences – think of them like bowling ball barriers that keep the ball in the lane going towards its desired point.
So, no not everyone is a Divine Life Partner which is what we should all be seeking.
Anything from the soul is karmic, and anything karmic is a pattern. The key is, how to navigate your patterns: do you continue to go around in the cycles and motifs it creates, or are you inspired to break away and create a brand new patterned experience for yourself?
This is why I believe that we mis-identify what we class as ‘soul mates’ and ‘twin flames’ as karmic relationships.
What I often find in relationships where people consider themselves twin flames, is a lot of unacknowledged toxicity on one or both sides.
Someone can feel such a deep connection with someone that they are willing to turn a blind eye to the toxic behaviours and patterns being projected at them because they believe they are meant to merge with their twin flame. I’ve seen some that have waited in excess of 30/40 years waiting for someone who is married and living a whole different life with another family because they ‘believe’ they are meant to be with a particular person.
That, my friends, requires therapy to release those attachments to past experiences that you feel can only be created with one person. In essence we can create this with so many more, but we are unfortunately the biggest cockblockers to our own success to put it quite bluntly.
What is Co-dependency?
By general definition, codependency is an adaptive coping mechanism used compulsively by those trying to find personal worth and value by meeting perceived needs of others.
According to Wikipedia, Co-dependency is a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of co-dependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.
Because of the culture that the new age community has created around this topic, we have many people going around like a lost puppy hoping to find their twin flame wondering ‘who is it?’. The truth is…you are your biggest twin flame undiscovered and ignored.
We have a duality within ourselves still desiring to be united but for some reason we only identify it in things external from ourselves.
There becomes cover up for the things mentioned above and a subconscious justification for the way things are for the hope that it can be something even better.
This doesn’t take away the fact that there are relationships where things completely transform and are polarized because of the work that each individual in the relationship is able to do on a more personal level. But the personal integration and healing is what will essentially create a healthy space for the collective integration and healing needed to experience a full transformative relationship.
In astrology, the house that relates to your partners, and relationships, is your 7th house which is directly opposite your 1st house which relates directly to yourself and your identity. This shows us that the people we interrelate with, ultimately become a projected mirror of ourselves.
The people that we come close into relationship with show us things that we ultimately cannot see within ourselves until we learn to embrace the parts of ourselves that are being projected back to ourselves.
This is your shadow. The only way to understand the fullness of your shadow is to learn to have compassion for how it gets projected back at you.
Now once you become aware that what your experiencing is a shadow projection (and in some cases can be mutual shadow projections), the next thing is to learn not to disassociate from it and project the irritating traits of your own shadow onto other people.
Your mirror can only reflect, which means the mirror isn’t the source of the projection, its just mirroring what is already there, and so there are people that will literally reflect your exact vibration back at you, but because we often like disassociate from the dark parts of ourselves, its more difficult to recognise the feedback loop that is taking place.
Now the powerful part about relationships is that when both parties have managed to unite the duality of their inner twin flame, they can ultimately create powerful transformational experiences that can change not only their own lives, but the lives of people around them and of course the world. But because many people are not willing to go through the necessary work to fully endure that process, (and many others cheat themselves into thinking what they are doing is enough) not many relationships are able to enter the fullness of that purification and enlightenment.
The important part to remember is that none of this can be achieved if a healthy relationship with self is not developed as there is a tendency to recreate your own karmic patterns through your relationships without creating a personal routine of accountability.
True Twin Flames
I see twins as two souls on a mission that was too big for one individual to carry, but there was a shared lesson that they both have to embody that benefits both of their evolution so ..they split into two versions of the same body with their own ying and yang between them.
But even then I would call them twin souls as opposed to twin flames
It's not to completely throw out the idea of twin flames but just the approach in which we take to this idea.
I truly believe that we all have a twin flame inside of ourselves, polar opposite energies seeking to find the commonality within each other.
But I believe that we have over romanticised the perception of twin flames.
This can also be something experienced within a personal relationship but there isn’t ONE person in this whole entire earth that we can experience this with. We can experience this with many different people, we just need to stop blocking our opportunities to connect with things outside of our trauma bonds
I myself have had a 'twin flame' experience in multiple different forms but it has been nowhere near any 3D experience I have ever experienced and so I believe that true ‘twin flame’ experiences are completely metaphysical (beyond the physical experience).
Having had incredibly intense experiences in higher dimensions with a person that I physically knew but none of these experiences played out in 3D and I remember specifically within our connection being told 'don't fall into trying to work out what this connection means in your 3D head...this is more than what you think this is'.
I truly do believe this was a post-5th dimensional experience that was playing out to where we may have been a couple in another dimension, but we have to continually remind ourselves that we are multi-dimensional beings and that we need to stop boxing things in.
Even though I had that experience I can’t hold myself to the imprint we had in time. We may continue to have these experiences but I've relinquished my quest to discover what that connection means, I just allow whatever to be...be.
That was me healing my codependency and fear of abandonment issues.
I no longer feel like I have to attach myself to people that I may have intimate and emotional connections with, I can allow the seasons to change and the leaves to fall with less resistance.
There comes a time when you need to ask yourself... If you constantly feel this need to seek for your other half You are probably operating on the program of broken consciousness where you only feel 'whole' with another being..... Why can you not feel whole within yourself.
TWIN FLAME YOU! Heal those wounds first ... clear that karma... because you ONLY attract your REFLECTION! Anything else is repelled automatically because there is no space for that frequency to reside... So, let's begin to establish healthy foundations for relationships, heal the fragmented pieces (pisces) of self, first, or you'll continue to repeat the same cycles not able to escape the loop